Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
(2022)
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.