“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.