I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
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Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Ape together strong
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it