You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it