why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Every house has this drawer
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I did not eat the cake…
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”