Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
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The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.