(after sex)
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY