This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I came this close!!!!
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Fries, not lies.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.