Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.