Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.