[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I’m crying im so happy for them
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room