Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space