Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
You Might Also Like
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]