I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
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My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Same post same
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care