People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough