Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.