[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.