I had to Stop for this
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me trying to walk in a dream
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever