Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.