Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.