Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
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My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Saturday
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Just parrot things
quarantine day 3
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.