The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.