glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.