Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do