Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
can’t bark with your mouth full
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain