My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.