Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.