I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year