I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.