*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail