My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
finally
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.