I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Our lord and savoury.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful