Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.