Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook