Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
You Might Also Like
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.