I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.