[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Goodnight 🐶
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.