Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
me
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”