*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.