When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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me hitting on a model
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
hmm conte-me mais
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN