Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
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*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.