Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
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“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.