A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
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unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Forever 21… pounds overweight
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!