I want what they have
You Might Also Like
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.