Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE