I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Warm pools make me nervous.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid