We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Sing it!
? 💀
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
*puts my mental health in rice
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.