If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless