me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
mom had nothing to worry about
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.