O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.